Today is my birthday.
It's also the day I inherit a beautiful electric piano from my grandma. I have a pile of pancakes with sparklers stuck in them for breakfast. My husband is an expert at breakfast. My parents and and sister are here from far away with lots of rearranging of furniture and happy chatter (and after breakfast dish washing, what great guests) all to make room for the piano.
My mom gave me some wonderful accessories I've been longing for. They're just a nice little cherry on top of the ice cream sundae of today. She brought them back for me from a recent trip to Utah. You just can't find stuff like that here. So much fun! The little worry that's been nudging at me fades to the back of my mind. To follow trend each year trumps the last as the Best Birthday Ever. The planets must align or something and the universe gives me all kinds of goodness I'm not expecting making me feel extra special on my day. Like it's happy I'm here. But...
Today I have a miscarriage.
My second consecutive miscarriage. As my parents drive away I feel the gush and know it's happening. Alone with my children I know I'll be fine if I can just get someone to go to the store for me (I'm a tampon kind of girl but with this...not so much). My sister in law is energetic and proactive and she can help me - as soon as she's done picking up someone at the airport. Normally calm until after things are all over right now I can barely talk, it's a wonder she can understand me. Two seconds later my wonderful brother in law calls me, he's coming. (This is the second time he's rescued me, the first time I ran out of gas on a main road in the middle of winter) I keep it together with him and we actually laugh. Neither of us thought we'd be having this conversation; brand, absorbency, size.
We are twelve weeks now. I was starting to think we were home free. This is way worse than last time. There's a lot more big stuff. It's kind of awful, that part. I'm morbidly drawn to it, wondering if I'll see a bit of baby. If you want to know what it's really, really like ask and I'll tell you. Nobody told me. I'm so glad my husband is here now taking care of things, taking care of me, holding me when I need, leaving me alone when I want. Mostly that's what I want. Like the way animals hide away when they are about to die, or about to give birth. I'm doing both today. I love that my midwife accessible to talk us through this.
So here I am, bleeding away my baby. But..
There is a beautiful sky outside, and I think the universe still likes me.