Thursday, January 27, 2011

You know you live in the north when...

"Oh look, look Mom!"
Big E called me over with surprise and excitement in his voice.
I quickly came to the window expecting to see a fancy new garbage truck driving by.
There between the roof tops we saw it.
A strip of blue sky.
The clouds were lifting.
"What does it mean?

Is the sun coming back?"

Yes it is.

Another sign of spring.
(or at least the finiteness if winter)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Good Things

After all that heaviness I thought I should spread around some goodness.
Since my last post (or because of it, and all of your help) 
I feel like I've had a break though. 
 I feel like I've literally broken through to somewhere better.  I am better and everything else seems better too.
Sooo here are some good things.

Book Club
One of the top five best things for my soul. (I think it's number two after being spiritual and before being in nature,  good art and breathing in babies/my husband (cause he is the man your man could smell like.))
Books, friends, great food, laughter and a good amount of silliness (that would put fear in to any poor husband who happens to be around).  
Who needs to drink to have fun?  Not us!

Baking Bread
Made some with my boys yesterday and enjoyed the experience. (I typically leave baking till the late hours of the evening to avoid doing it with them,  I am not one of those moms that loves to bake with her kids, it would make me pull out my hair if my hands weren't so much messier than usual from baking with kids!)
But this was good!
Fun and tasty.
They made really interesting shapes and then we had warm buns with honey and hot chocolate for lunch.

Going to the Park.
Hiking through the snow and finding animal tracks.
Sunshine on my face.

Really Playing with my Kids.

Snuggling with my Honey.
He has this new shirt that feels so cozy and safe.
It has snaps that are just like the ones on my Dads shirts when I was a girl.
I love it, and him even more.

Job Charts.
I made some for the kids and they love it!
Every time they do a job they get...wait for it...
a check mark.
When they have five then they get a sticker.
I know, exciting hey?
I made one for me too. It only has five things on it.  
Read scriptures
1 load of laundry
(that means folded and put away)
Engage with the kids
I'm pretty confident doing this every day will make me feel way better and freed to be able to do way more fun and interesting things as well as giving me some sense of accomplishment every day.

So there are some good and wonderful things that I am so happy about and grateful for.  Life has all kinds of good things in it and I just have to let my self see them and make them happen. 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

From the Mouths of Babes

Have been feeling so bad.  All kinds of awful thoughts in my head about how I don't like my life (but I really do), being a mom, thinking how bad I am at it, wishing I was doing something else (but I don't even know what), how much I do wrong and thinking how I don't even deserve the children I have and how I probably shouldn't have any more and subject them to me and how maybe (dare I say this aloud?) I made a 
huge mistake
that there's no way to fix. 
Trying to figure it out, wanting to be more grateful for all of the goodness and what I have and just wanting to get over myself and be better at everything I'm hating about myself. 
 Begging Heavenly Father to help me, please.
Because I'm trying really hard to 'fulfill my calling' but I don't like it and it doesn't make me happy though I've always been told it should.  I'm sitting there with all these words big and loud and sneakily whispering in my head asking Heavenly Father for help.
Big E (at whom I'd just yelled) looks straight at me and says, 
"Mommy, I love you.  
You are my very best Mother."
With his clear brown eyes and his beautiful face gazing at me there was my answer.  All my bad thoughts washed away in one wave.  Big E is my own miracle and the answer to my torment. With those words spoken right then I have reassurance that is more than just the warming of my heart from the words of my sweet son.
I am doing what I am supposed to do.  
Even though it's not what I dreamed of doing while I was growing up.  It's not what I wished and hoped to do    (though it's pretty much where my imagination of reality ended since it's all I was taught to picture for my future.)  I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and for being obedient Heavenly Father will help me figure it out and help me find the way to be happy while doing it. 
This is my weapon for when these dark thoughts come creeping in again.  I will remember that I have this to fight them off with.  From the perfect lips of my son came God's answer to my prayer and I'll take that answer in all it's possible meanings.  
I still have a lot to figure out, and now I feel like that is possible. 

P.S.  This is not a cry for pats on the back and affirmations that I am a good mother.  
Has anyone ever felt remotely like this?  I'd love to know how you reconciled it.  

Thursday, January 6, 2011


This post is inspired by a conversation I had with an old friend I was recently united with.  As we talked, sharing intimate details of our recent experiences with miscarriage I thought again of something that has come to me strongly several times before.  
The universal connectedness of women.  
Through all the vast diversity of  our cultures, religions, upbringing, location in the world, and life circumstances we are joined together by the sameness of our experiences.  Child bearing, child rearing, separation from our families, love, loss, the men in our lives, working for our families, loneliness, strength from adversity, pain, joy and sometimes, peace. 
We all have the same desires in our hearts.  
We all have the same heart. 
 Whenever I have met a woman from another place, New Zealand, Dubai, Pakistan, Taiwan, Lebanon, Lybia, Brazil, and Africa as we get to know each other it stands out so clearly, we are women, we are the same, we have the same hearts.  
We have the same desires.  
Sure we have vastly different personalities, wants, interests but we are women.  All different yes, but at our core we are all the same and all connected.  I feel so full of love for all my sisters.  For every woman in the world who is figuring out how to be who they are, who is trying to live her faith, who is trying to make life good for her family, who is dealing with the challenges that come with the men in their lives, who is struggling with loneliness or sadness or loss.  
I feel it too, we all feel it.  
Let's feel it together. 
Let's be friends, to listen to each other, to cry and laugh together.  When there are happy things lets have joy for one another.  Let's be understanding.  Understanding that while we are all wonderfully unique, imperfect and fallible we are also the same and we are all connected as women. 
We are marvelous, strong and good all over the world and 
we are Women