Have been feeling so bad. All kinds of awful thoughts in my head about how I don't like my life (but I really do), being a mom, thinking how bad I am at it, wishing I was doing something else (but I don't even know what), how much I do wrong and thinking how I don't even deserve the children I have and how I probably shouldn't have any more and subject them to me and how maybe (dare I say this aloud?) I made a
that there's no way to fix.
Trying to figure it out, wanting to be more grateful for all of the goodness and what I have and just wanting to get over myself and be better at everything I'm hating about myself.
Begging Heavenly Father to help me, please.
Because I'm trying really hard to 'fulfill my calling' but I don't like it and it doesn't make me happy though I've always been told it should. I'm sitting there with all these words big and loud and sneakily whispering in my head asking Heavenly Father for help.
Big E (at whom I'd just yelled) looks straight at me and says,
"Mommy, I love you.
You are my very best Mother."
With his clear brown eyes and his beautiful face gazing at me there was my answer. All my bad thoughts washed away in one wave. Big E is my own miracle and the answer to my torment. With those words spoken right then I have reassurance that is more than just the warming of my heart from the words of my sweet son.
I am doing what I am supposed to do.
Even though it's not what I dreamed of doing while I was growing up. It's not what I wished and hoped to do (though it's pretty much where my imagination of reality ended since it's all I was taught to picture for my future.) I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and for being obedient Heavenly Father will help me figure it out and help me find the way to be happy while doing it.
This is my weapon for when these dark thoughts come creeping in again. I will remember that I have this to fight them off with. From the perfect lips of my son came God's answer to my prayer and I'll take that answer in all it's possible meanings.
I still have a lot to figure out, and now I feel like that is possible.
P.S. This is not a cry for pats on the back and affirmations that I am a good mother.
Has anyone ever felt remotely like this? I'd love to know how you reconciled it.