lasts

No one ever talks about the 'lasts'

The 'firsts' are a big deal

You catch all those milestones

But the lasts creep up on you

They happen and they slip in

Camouflaged as firsts

First step

First word

First bike ride

And suddenly you know next year he won't even need you to bike along with him

He'll be zooming ahead

And there's hardly any last firsts left

He'll be reading

Have his first day of school

Loose his teeth 

Go to camp

And all these firsts will be fainter because his brothers have done them before and they are busy with all their new firsts

But they are His firsts

Still special and important

And they are my lasts

Last year of a little person curled in a towel on my lap

Last baby to cuddle in my bed in the mornings

Last to discover the wonder of a bug or a puddle or some amazing thing we all take for granted

Last baby cheeks to change into a handsome face

No one ever talks about them but here they are

Happening

They are happening and I have to love them and let go

This is the great paradox of motherhood

This is the tearing of the heart in two directions

For while I longed for this time a decade ago now I am heartbroken to see it go

I know I will love my 'freedom' that I sometimes wanted so badly

And I realise we are going to keep having lasts and lasts and lasts for another 15 years 

They will be exciting new things to be proud of 

And they will be firsts

And they will be lasts

And they will be okay